I have to admit, gratitude isn’t something I’ve been very good at in my life. I spent a large portion of my life being a glass half empty type, someone who always looked for problems instead of blessings.
Lately, that’s started to change for me. I’ve begun to really see the amazing things that life has to offer. Every day I’m alive and healthy is a blessing, I have a beautiful and secure home, a happy and fulfilling relationship, a stimulating and exciting career, wonderful creative hobbies, a close-knit and supportive family and some of the best friends anyone could hope for.
All in all I’m pretty blessed.
So it’s a short and sweet one today, just to say that my life isn’t perfect, but it feels pretty magical when I choose to shine a light on the parts of it that really sparkle, instead of putting a magnifying glass over the bits that aren’t so great.
So, on this beautiful day to be alive, what are you Darling Lovelies the most grateful for?
]]>But there are some situations in which, no matter how hard it is or how unnatural it feels, it’s best to hold back and not get involved.
You don’t have to be everyone’s fairy godmother!
Helping others should be a selfless act. Even the smallest favour, like retweeting someone, passing on their business details or even giving away your time by taking them out for a coffee and letting them pick your brains doesn’t mean they owe you forever.
I don’t mean that you should be a doormat or run around after people who don’t appreciate you, but helping shouldn’t be motivated by keeping a score card of favours, it should be because you genuinely want to make someone’s situation better. If you find that you often feel hard done by because people you’ve helped aren’t forever in your debt then perhaps it’s time to re-examine your motivations.
Everyone has their boundaries – don’t cross other people’s
It can be very frustrating to see someone banging their head against a brick wall with a problem to which you think you have an easy solution, but if your help is rejected, don’t keep persisting. People can only be helped if they want to be helped and, if they’re stressed out, being tenacious with a solution could be perceived as nagging or adding to their anxiety.
Another instance where somebody might not want your help is if they are doing something that you disapprove of and you are trying to help them to stop. Or if they aren’t doing something that you think they should be focussing on. You can’t impose your own value system onto someone else, and there’s a fine line between helping and interfering, so unless somebody is asking for your help, don’t push it on them.
This butterfly will find its own way out of the cage
You have a tight deadline to meet, but a friend of yours wants you to look over their next big business proposal and wants you to do it urgently. You’re not feeling very well but a family member wants you to come and look after them when they have the flu. In this kind of situation, it really is OK to put yourself first and say no – you shouldn’t let your own life or work suffer because you think someone else’s needs are more important than your own.
A more practical argument supporting this is that if you don’t take care of yourself first, you will be so exhausted and used up that you will be in no position to help those that need it.
Understand when it’s best to sit one out
At the risk of ruining my no-bitching month I’ll be very, very vague about this. Once I had a friend who was constantly pushing the boundaries of our friendship. For example, turning up at my house at all hours and being very rude and demanding towards me and my husband. One day that friend was in trouble. I ignored my gut and travelled halfway across the country to help them only for it to backfire spectacularly. I should have listened to my gut and known that this was not a person who had deserved my help.
Like I said, it’s not about keeping score or feeling like someone “owes” me, but if someone is overtly ungrateful or rude towards you, you’re not obligated to be there for them.
When helping means you’re headed for a collision
If someone is going through something very serious, there’s nothing wrong with offering your support, but don’t try to play therapist or doctor to somebody when you’re not qualified to help them. The best thing you can do for somebody having a problem that’s beyond your experience is to support them in getting professional help and be there as a shoulder to cry on when you’re needed.
It’s nice to be nice – and helping people is a nice thing to do. But before you put yourself out, make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons, that you’re able to help and that you’re not being taken advantage of!
]]>Last week, I wrote some initial observations about my no-bitching challenge, and you can catch up with them here, but this week, rather than just noticing when the bitching is happening without me thinking, I’ve started to pick up on why.
Constantly bitching is like only ever eating junk food – addictive, but not very healthy!
“I don’t agree with what that person said to me” is not the same as “that person’s an idiot because of what they said to me.” Bitching is when, instead of expressing legitimate upset, concern or distaste, you make it personal.
Someone cuts you off while driving – acknowledging that the driver did something dangerous is not bitching. Ranting about what a moron that person must be, criticizing the car they drive and making assumptions about their character is.
When I started my no-bitching month, ten days ago, I was set to explode – I only allowed myself to say I was thrilled with things even if I wasn’t. That’s not healthy. This experience has forced me to look at the way that I express being less than thrilled and if I’m being unfair to anyone in the process.
I’d like to think I’m fabulous without needing to bitch!
I never realised how much I relied on bitching in a social context. I don’t know why – perhaps it was a cheap shot for easy comedy and I thought it made me sound funnier (maybe sometimes it did) or I thought that knowing things about other people and their characters made ME sound more interesting.
Quitting bitching for a month is forcing me to be interesting on my own merits, it’s like having a layer of armour taken away and being left to defend myself with the raw materials. Scary, huh?
Everyone likes a good bitch every now and then, but if the ONLY thing people find interesting about me is the judgements I make about other people then maybe I’m attracting the wrong people. To my great surprise, even without all the mean, sarcastic comments, my friends still want to know me – I guess I do have something to offer after all!
If you like what I’m doing and want to support it, along with supporting the Sam Beare Hospice in Weybridge (an amazing cause and they looked after my dad in his final months) then please visit my JustGiving page to find out more.
]]>There’s a happy door and a sad door – but you won’t open either door if you don’t push!
When I was a kid, I was super into my musical theatre. I was such a nerd, I joined a local amateur dramatics society and, when I was 10, the opportunity came up to audition for the part of The Artful Dodger in Oliver. It was a pretty big production for a first amateur show, around 1000 paying audience members and there were about 50 other kids lined up to audition.
When I signed up, I told my parents that I was going to get the part. My dad sat me down and explained to me that there were lots of other children going for the same role and not to get my hopes up as he didn’t want me to be disappointed. I looked at him in frustration and said “didn’t you have dreams when you were young and everyone told you they were impossible?”
Years later, he told me he was stunned by that moment: “Right you are, baby,” he said, “go out and get the part.” And I did. And for the next couple of years I got every part I auditioned for because I wasn’t afraid to WANT the part so badly that I’d work my butt off to get it.
Then came my dream role (and looking back, this seems exceptionally loserly but at the time it was a big deal) the lead part in a much bigger professional production of Annie. It wasn’t with my usual theatre group, these kids were hardcore stage school stock – suddenly I wasn’t a big fish in a small pond. Still I went in aiming to wow them as usual. It was a gruelling, long day of acting, dancing and singing auditions and, to make matters worse, halfway through the day they culled half of the auditioning kids like some warped reality TV show designed to make little children weep.
I made it through the brutal cuts unscathed, the role of Annie was so close I could almost taste it. I had one final solo left to audition with. I opened my mouth to hit that big note in Tomorrow and my voice cracked. I fudged it. One bad note.
At the end of the day they called the names of the girls who got the parts. After that long, exhausting experience I didn’t even make the chorus. To this day I still remember the name of the girl who got the part of Annie. I went home and sobbed for the rest of the day. For the first time, I really understood what my dad had meant about disappointment. I had approached the audition with exactly the attitude it took to succeed – that the part was already mine. I had set myself up for a major fall.
Allow yourself to believe that the sky’s the limit!
So I lost my confidence. I stopped auditioning for things but, more universally, I also stopped trying my best, because trying my best meant believing I was in with an absolute shot – trying my best meant going for it with everything I had. When you invest that much and don’t get the results you want, disappointment is inevitable. I never wanted to feel like that again.
I thought I learned a valuable lesson that day, that if you try too hard you’ll end up hurt but, Darling Lovelies, I was wrong.
As a child I was fearless and I was shamelessly confident. I actually TOTALLY had the right idea. If you want to be the best, win that role, get that dream job, convince those amazing clients, then you need to BELIEVE that it’s within your reach and you need to invest much, much more than everyone else. Sure, you might be disappointed, but I guarantee that if you don’t try harder than everyone else, you won’t get anywhere at all.
So don’t be afraid to confront disappointment – if you’re disappointed it means you damn well tried your best, and if it doesn’t work out it doesn’t mean you weren’t good enough, maybe you just hit one of life’s bad notes.
And when it does work out, you’ll know you deserve all the success and great things coming your way because you worked harder than everyone else and, most importantly, put your heart into getting what you want.
]]>Think of your brand as your business’s personality. If your business were a person, how would it dress? How would it talk? What values would it have? How far would it go to help others? So if you’re worried your brand isn’t particularly strong, have a read of these three branding tips that will help you improve your business.
Bad branding can make your business look all over the place
Have you noticed that Darling Lovely Life posts never refer to relationships in gender-specific terms? Or that we try to sprinkle a little metaphorical glitter on everything we do? What about the fact that we never, ever write about how to lose weight or please your man? Our brand guidelines mean that we are as consistent as we can be when it comes to the way we talk (pretty informal, huh?) the type of images we share, the things we stand for and so on.
Sit down and have a think about the biggest messages you’d like to put out there and then write some branding and tone-of-voice guidelines to apply to everything you do, from face-to-face customer service to your website and social media. Are you formal and corporate? Bubbly and friendly? Unique and quirky? Decide and stick to it!
Stand up and stand out!
Someone else might have the best logo and style in the world but they’ve already done that. Find out what makes YOUR business special and work with that instead. It’s scary to tread where no business person has trodden etc. but in an overcrowded market, you need your brand to be 100% yours and 100% original. Work out what it is that makes you stand out (also known as your unique selling point or USP) and focus on making that your biggest strength.
This also means you have to accept that not everyone on the planet is going to like what you do. Lush is one of my favourite shops but I have a friend who finds the very smell of the place repulsive. I’m the last person in the world who would ever eat a Big Mac but McDonald’s is one of the most popular brand names on the planet. Stop trying to please everyone and find the courage to create an individual brand.
You don’t have to save the planet, but do
Don’t just mail out your products in brown boxes, invest in gorgeous branded packaging. Got an unhappy customer? Go above and beyond to help them. Be inspirational in every aspect of your business, from how you relate to people to how you present your business and product.
Good branding isn’t just about getting a nice logo and slapping it on your website, it’s about showing everyone how amazing you are on every channel you use – and following through with an incredible product or service.
If you have any marketing, copywriting or branding questions, pop them in the comment box or email [email protected] and I can write a piece for ya!
]]>Anxiety doesn’t come from nowhere. Even if you’re a naturally anxious person or have an anxiety disorder, often it’s your physical circumstances that make it worse. So how do you make small changes in your everyday life to reduce your anxiety levels and make everything easier on yourself?
A disclaimer, I’m not a counsellor or any kind of therapist, just someone who’s learned a lot of coping mechanisms for anxiety over the years! If you think you’re suffering from serious anxiety issues, visit your GP or visit the Mind website for a list of contacts that can help you.
Sometimes you just need to feel like the power is back in your hands
You don’t have to accept every dinner invitation that comes your way. You also don’t have to rush to everyone’s aid the minute they ask or take on excessive extra work. Learning to say no to non-essential commitments, even in the short term, can take a huge weight off your shoulders. Try having a month where you have no commitments outside of your regular, necessary activities and spend the rest of your time relaxing.
A lot of people feel inexplicably guilty whenever they have time off. We know that time is precious and so feel that spending it doing nothing is a waste. This couldn’t be further from the truth – sometimes a lazy day isn’t just a nice thing to do, it’s desperately needed to recuperate. Give yourself permission to let go of the guilt entirely and just enjoy whatever you’re doing. If you really can’t do that, give yourself a list of a few essential things you’d like to do and then, when you’ve finished them, allow yourself to relax as a reward.
Don’t call on people who make you feel worse
Start keeping a diary of your feelings after you speak to your friends. You may not even be aware that some of your friendships are making you anxious. Just listen to your gut after you’ve hung up the phone or shut the door after spending time with someone. Do you feel happier and more positive having spent time with them? Or do you feel drained, anxious, irritated etc.? If it’s the latter, start regularly looking at your relationship with that friend. Is it a one-off or occasional bad feeling or do you never feel good when you spend time with them? It may be time to pull back from certain friendships that add to your worries.
Take the time you would have spent on unnecessary commitments and find things you love to do. It could be as simple as having a bath or taking a walk, or a new hobby or skill you’ve always wanted to learn.
Make a list of all the things you feel anxious about. Often anxiety feels like a general mess of rubbish and you can’t quite pinpoint what you’re actually anxious about. If you can pinpoint your feelings then it’s easier to rationalise away a lot of the things that are worrying you. You can’t do that if you don’t know what you’re feeling in the first place.
Like I said, everyone gets a little overwhelmed sometimes and these are great coping mechanisms for people who experience ordinary anxiety after a build up of everyday stress. If you’ve had a big trauma or suffer from day-to-day anxiety that really doesn’t go away, there really is help available for you. Visit your GP or call Mind on 0300 123 3393.
]]>So what have I learned in my first few days of bitching?
This one’s for my dad
One of my great weaknesses in life is that I’m not a particularly proficient self editor. I tend to say the first thing that comes into my brain, and while that can be amusing at times it can also dig me into holes. I guess I’ve always prided myself on my honesty, but having integrity doesn’t mean you can’t hold some things back. Editing everything before I say it, 24 hours a day, is already teaching me a vital life skill.
The few times I’ve slipped up and put a pound in the bitch jar, it’s been because I made some stupid throwaway comment that flew out of my mouth before I had time to think about it. So far, I’ve managed to hold back on any irritations with others or just tell them directly that I’m feeling annoyed.
You won’t BELIEVE what that other ostrich just said to me
This is the big one – every time I’m negative about ANYTHING (not other people, not behind their backs, not gossiping) I’ve had to stop and check whether or not I just bitched.
The first few times that happened I wondered if it was because bitching is a hard thing to define, but then I realised that isn’t it at all. It’s because (and this blew my tiny mind) it creates the same physical feeling in my body.
You know that uncomfortable feeling after a proper bitching session, when you feel like you’ve swallowed poison? No? That’s because you probably weren’t even aware of it. The second I had to be aware of when I was bitching, I also had to make myself aware of how bitching feels physically – it’s the same feeling when I’m negative – like poison. I’m not saying I’m going to go around skipping on rainbows and handing out free candy (although that sounds fun) but it’s a good thing to be aware of.
So that’s how my no-bitching month is going so far. If you think that editing your words 24 hours a day for a whole month sounds difficult and you’d like to support the Sam Beare Hospice in Weybridge, take a couple of mins and visit my JustGiving page to find out more!
]]>Loving yourself doesn’t mean you’re arrogant or vain, it doesn’t mean you’re self-absorbed or cocky.
Loving yourself means that, no matter what goes wrong in your life, you are your own best friend and you’ll get yourself through it. No matter how many relationships don’t work out or how many people you lose, you still have a best friend in you.
Loving yourself means that you won’t accept bad treatment from others because you know you deserve better. It means that you won’t treat others badly because you’re happy enough in your own skin not to project your insecurities onto other people.
Loving yourself means you’re not needy – you’re quite happy to enjoy your own company and quite confident that your company is enjoyable to others.
Loving yourself means that you won’t make yourself small to avoid shining too brightly. It gives you the courage to do the things that make you happy.
Loving yourself means you don’t beat yourself up when you make a mistake, but congratulate yourself on learning from it.
Because if you’re not on your own side, what chance have you got?
So go on, drop the modesty that’s been drilled into you for way too long and give yourself permission to wholeheartedly and unabashedly love yourself. You deserve it.
]]>Your successes and failures feel personal, it’s up to you to generate ideas and motivate yourself to implement them. When response rates or results aren’t what you hoped, you’re the only person who can pick you back up and push you along. It’s no wonder, then, that at some point or another, self-employed types start to feel discouraged and lose momentum.
So, if you’re self employed and on the verge of giving up, how do you push through your slump and come out on top?
Even an hour in a coffee shop can really help to clear your head
Desperation never generated results. It’s easy to panic and slash your prices or start trawling the Internet, frantically searching for new ideas, or worse, sit there in a panic thinking about how to change your entire business model, but you won’t find any answers. Instead, put down the computer, or whatever it is you’re doing and leave the house. Score yourself an invite to the latest party for your industry, have a coffee with someone else who’s in your position, or just go for a long walk.
Sometimes you just need to see something that inspires you
Find someone who’s at a similar stage in building their business to you and whose work you love and meet up for a coffee. Think of a way you could collaborate – perhaps they could guest write a blog post, or you could work on a shoot together or even a new product. Sometimes you’re in your own head so long that putting your heads together can make all the difference.
The worst thing I can do when I’m worried about my writing (and yes, we ALL get insecure about our work sometimes) is to go looking at other blogs that have been around for years before me. Their level of success is incomparable because it didn’t happen overnight. So next time you find yourself panicking that another business similar to yours is doing so well, remind yourself that you can’t expect to emulate their success right away, nor should you.
Find your own little oasis and stop comparing yourself to everyone around you
Sometimes, thinking that something you’re doing is the be all and end all is a huge amount of pressure. If my blog was the only thing I was doing with my life, I’d never get out of bed – I have a lot of projects on the go, mostly paid and some just creative and for fun. That way I know that I’m not putting all my eggs in one basket, which leaves me feeling a lot more free to power ahead with what I really want to do with the blog!
Just because what you’re doing isn’t making a big splash doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with it. It can take a long time to find your customers, especially if what you do is quite niche, but once you do, things will really start to soar.
Find somebody to look up to who’s been through it all before
My mum is an aromatherapist, and a damn good one. When we were kids she started her own business. Like any new business it was slow at first, and the Internet age was only just starting. Without a big backer and marketing budget she relied on fairs, leaflets and word of mouth to let people know she was there (and the phone book, remember those?). It would have been easy for her to give up in the first couple of years, but I’m glad she didn’t and I bet she is too.
After getting the word out, everything changed. My mum’s massages are SO popular that almost every time I call her she’s with a client. I’m talking all day, evenings, weekends – she actually literally could not be more busy unless she worked through the night. I saw her go through all the stages a new business goes through in MUCH tougher times than this and I saw her succeed. I’ve never told her, but that’s where my self belief comes from. As corny as it sounds, she did it – she proved to me that if you have talent all you need to back it up is perseverance. I’m not sure she’s even had time over the years to turn around and go “holy crap I’m a success”, but most successful people don’t. So find yourself a business inspiration and think of them every time you’re in a slump.
The most important thing is that you don’t give up when it feels like you’re constantly dragging yourself uphill. Like anything in life, once you hit that sweet spot, you’ll be glad you stuck it out!
]]>If you want to get serious about cleaning (and, more to the point, de-cluttering) set aside an entire weekend or a couple of holiday days to get the task done. That way you won’t run out of time and end up back to square one.
Before you even think about starting to tackle your mess, make a list of the things you’ll need. Cleaning products, bin bags, boxes etc. (trust me, boxes come in handy, more on that in a bit). Then you’ll have no excuse to stop tidying. Also make sure you have adequate storage. Little bags and boxes for your make up and bath products will save you so much time and space.
These storage boxes are adorable and a great space saver from Tesco
When I’m cleaning, I find time flies when I have something on in the background. I take it as an opportunity to re-watch old favourites or binge-watch some great TV!
Tidying the whole house can be a bit overwhelming, especially if you have an inexplicable amount of stuff like me. Tidy the house on a room-by-room basis. If there are things that belong in another room (for example, you’ve left half of your make up in the bedroom when it should be in the bathroom) have boxes at the ready. Then put things that belong in different rooms into relevant boxes.
I’m such a hoarder I probably have double the amount of things I actually use. So if you’re having a proper tidy, now really is the time to clear out all of your unwanted crap. The dress that’s seen better days, the top you haven’t worn in years. Everything that still looks decent, put in a box for the charity shop, otherwise recycle or chuck it where appropriate. If something really has sentimental value, then it’s worth starting a memory box for things that aren’t practical to use every day but that you can’t bear to get rid of.
While everything’s tidied away, take the opportunity to sweep, hoover, spray, wash, scrub etc. You’ll feel so much better with a big, clean and tidy blank slate!
I always love the look of a freshly made bed, but end up putting the wrong sheets on the wrong bed out of sheer disorganisation. I also find things go away in the wrong place out of laziness or confusion. Now is the time to start a brand new organisation system that you can stick to. Write up new house rules, eg if you use it, wash it and put it away, and stick to them. Hire a cleaner if you can afford it and you think it will help you stay on top of things. You really can make this stick with a bit of effort!
Now go do the difficult bit – and send us pics of your freshly cleaned homes! We’re looking for unique & quirky interiors to feature on the blog, so email [email protected] to have your home showcased!
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