Darling Lovely readers, I have a confession to make. I loathe Valentine’s Day. I despise it. Perhaps it’s the abundance of red, my most hated of colours, maybe I’m just a bitter old fart.
Whatever the reason, I’ve never been a fan. I’ve tried, believe me, I’ve tried, but me and Valentine’s Day? We’re never going to be friends. For all you believers out there, have a wonderful, mushy day. For miserable party poopers like me, here are some fun alternatives to a romantic Valentine’s Day. Hopefully it prevents you from taking to the streets with a pin and popping people’s balloons as they walk past. I would never do something like that.*
*Disclaimer, don’t do that. There’s almost definitely a law against it.
Ten anti-Valentine’s Day ideas for party poopers
♥ Watch all of The Terminator movies in one sitting and devise your own game of Arnie bingo. A bonus round for the best Arnie accent. “I’m a cybernetic organism, living tissue over metal endoskeleton”. Don’t tell me that’s not romantic.
♥ Have an anti-Valentine’s party a la the movie, Valentine’s Day. Serve garlicky, bean-heavy food to deter any potential troublemakers from getting lucky.
♥ Build a tent inside your home. Hide inside the tent. Refuse to come out until Valentine’s Day is over. Order pizza to the tent. Eat pizza in the tent. Tent. Pizza. Don’t come out. Yeah?
Floral wigwam tent (yes, I know it’s for children) available from allsortsshop at Play.com
♥ Have a competition with your other half (or a friend, if you’re single) to see who can create the worst Valentine’s Day gift ever. Stick googly eyes on a burnt out lightbulb and say you made a gift. Give them a box inside a box inside a box inside a box inside a box to really build the anticipation before it becomes clear the box contains nothing…
♥ Invest in a large canvas. Fill water balloons with paint. Throw darts at the paint balloons on the canvas. Watch them go splat. Make someone else clean up.
♥ Vintage horror movie marathon featuring people getting eaten alive on dates. “Johnny, did you hear something?” “Relax, Wendy, it’s just the wind.” “No, seriously, I hear growling” “OK, I’ll go check it out. I’ll be right back.” AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! Romantic evening interrupted by brain-eating monster. The end.
♥ Have a karaoke competition and disqualify people who sing love songs.
♥ Forget hearts and flowers, put up anti-Valentine’s Day decorations. These need to be whatever makes you feel the least romantic. I’ll leave it to your imagination.
♥ If you’re recently single, have an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend BBQ. No, don’t BBQ your ex, just burn stuff they gave you. Safely and legally, of course.
♥ Devise some unsexy anti-Valentine’s Day games to play with your partner. For example, a spin on twenty questions entitled: “which unappealing human being am I thinking about naked?” or the shopping list game, where you can only memorise unsexy shopping items.
For those of you who are going for the love today, have a great time. For those who are rebelling, have fun and don’t get yourself into trouble! How are you celebrating Valentine’s Day?