Deadpan Cat solves your problems: my neighbours are intolerable

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Deadpan Cat hears all and sees all

My neighbours are too noisy

Dear Deadpan Cat, 

Please help me learn how to tolerate the feelings of murderous rage I have towards my neighbours. I know, in detail, about their personal lives, gripes with each other and health issues. I have to listen to them hyping up their small child to a fever pitch before bed and then becoming clearly frustrated with him when he won’t go to sleep.

I can hear everything they do, from slamming doors and breathing to having sex. I know that we live in an old house with a shared wall and so I don’t complain to them too much, but on the odd occasion I have to do something that makes noise, like laundry, I’m faced with a barrage of complaints.

And to top it all off, their cat did a shit on my doormat which I unwittingly tramped through the house.

How do I find peace from my noisy neighbours?

Love, Frustrated in Farnborough

Deadpan Cat says

Dear Frustrated in Farnborough,

First of all, I’m very sorry about the cat poo. You have to understand though, what looks like a doorstep to you looks like a toilet to us. 

Some of my kitty friends say that when they are naughty, they get spritzed with a water bottle – and that when they’re good they get catnip treats. 

I’m not sure what the human equivalent is, but when my girlfriend Lily is mad, she wees on the curtains and when she’s happy, she brings home dead mice. Perhaps when they are too noisy, you should wee on their curtains and when they have given you some peace and quiet, catch them a present?

If that doesn’t work, find the number on their collar and give their owner a ring. Failing that, stuff your ears with fur. That always works for me. 

Love,

Deadpan Cat

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