My wedding stats

A little bit of a fun post for now – one of our groomsmen posted a rather comical statistics post on his Facebook about the wedding! I thought I’d anonymously publish a few of his funnier lines – and then counter them with my own. Because I have a blog and he doesn’t! Muahahahah! The full post was about a million times longer than this, but it gives you an idea:

“Total number of times people told the bride to calm down = 450
Total number of times the bride calmed down = -600
Total amount of times I was given something to do = 66
Total number of times I did those things = 0.5
Total trips taken during covert beer rescue operations = 900
Total men lost during operation = CLASSIFIED
Total number of tears by women = 5 gallons
Total tears by men = 0
Total number of times the bride said “I don’t care” = 45,424
Total number of times she really did care = 500,042″

- Our groomsman

My wedding – in statistics

 Total number of times the weather was checked in the run-up to the wedding – 140
 Total number of times people said “it won’t rain” – 100000000000000000
♥ Total number of times the bride smacked the groom and the groomsmen about the head – 28
♥ Total number of houses cleaned by the groomsmen – 1
 Total number of times the bride was told to calm down – 450
 Total number of times it was a good idea to tell the bride to calm down – 0
♥ Total number of heavy tables moved – 13
 Total number of times the boys were asked to move the heavy tables – 150
 Total number of times the boys mysteriously disappeared when it was time to move tables – 149
 Total number of collective cigarette breaks – 42,000
 Total number of cigarettes stolen by the bride – 38,000
 Total shots of whiskey drunk in the wedding week – 1000,00000
 Total number of awkward toilet trips – 2
 Total number of times the bride told the bridesmaids she loved them – a zillion
♥ Total number of times the bride tried to set people up – 6
 Total number of times she succeeded – Now that would be telling
 Total number of times the bride said “hurry up” – 36.5
 Total number of times people hurried up – 2
 Total number of babies present – 3
 Total number of babies present by midnight – 1
 Total number of times the seating plan was changed – 15
 Total number of times the bride said “never trust a man to do anything” – 198
 Total number of times the groom cried – 4
 Total number of times the bride cried – 1
 Total number of times somebody knocked over all the centrepieces before the wedding – 1
 Total number of dirty jokes made – 2000
 Total number of times the bride asked if her headpiece was on straight – 145
 Total number of times people stepped on the bride’s dress – 10,000
 Total number of times the bride noticed someone was stepping on her dress – 10
 Total number of times the bride complained she didn’t have a shorter dress – 297
 Total number of times the bride had to bundle her dress like a baby to dance – 17
 Total  number of people who said they wished they were Jewish after the dancing – 25
 Total number of times my mum worried about the food – infinity
 Total number of times my dad told everyone at the wedding I was born a boy (not true – it was an umbilical cord, damnit) – 1
 Total number of years it will take me to live it down – 100
 Total number of times people giving the speeches burst into tears – 2
 Total number of dry eyes in the house – 0
 Total number of people high-fived in the middle of the wedding ceremony – 1
 Total number of times the bride told the groom to “just shove the ring on” – 1
 Total number of times the bride was told the groom was missing – 1
 Total number of times the groom was actually missing – 0
 Total number of times I told everyone Ron Weasley was my back-up groom – 20389274
 Total number of times Ron Weasley turned up at the wedding – 0
 Total number of collective compliments received – 1999999999999999999999999
 Total number of inane grins – 1000927832
 Total number of hugs received – 1289873263
 Total number of times we received glowing compliments about the chesecake – 100000000028823
 Total number of times we told people it was actually from Aldi – 3
 Total number of times I would go back and do it all again – 1002892373

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