On fidelity – when marriage gets hard

This morning I’m talking about something that, I should imagine, isn’t particularly easy to talk about for anyone. Due to personal reasons I really won’t go into now, probably ever, I find trusting men to be a big challenge. Partly down to my own insecurities and to other factors from my past I’ve always found it hard to accept that fidelity is something men are capable of. This belief was so deep rooted, for a while I genuinely wasn’t sure I’d ever get married.

Then I met John, who, so far, has proved all my preconceptions about “inherent” unfaithful qualities in men wrong. He’s the one man I believe will never, ever stray, because it’s not in his nature.

But there are the horror stories – those who come home to find their partners with someone else, long relationships behind each other’s backs, dodgy texts and emails, difficult choices, children involved.

Guys, this isn’t easy to talk about at all – this is a wedding blog. I do like to talk about the happy, wonderful, magical side of being in love. But it doesn’t always go that way. Being in love can be a painful, scarring experience. When love goes wrong, what do you do?

Most marriage vows mention faithfulness. But they also mention for better or for worse. So which concept comes up trumps? Can a marriage survive an infidelity? Has it become a culturally accepted norm for one partner to stray throughout a long relationship or have we lost our way when it comes to marriage?

I’m going to tell you what I think (and I’ll probably get shouted at! But you can’t please everyone) and then I’m going to open it up for discussion.

Why I think there’s no going back from an infidelity

1. I believe that a relationship is sacred from start to finish. I believe that the minute you’re with someone else, even if it’s “just” a kiss, even if it’s “just” inappropriate messages (I don’t mean flirtatious, I mean having crossed a line) you’ve broken a sacred connection with your partner.

I feel like after that infidelity happens, your relationship is tainted. The minute there’s someone else involved, unless that’s an arrangement between the two of you, I think something fundamental gets broken.

2. I think a lie that huge can’t be taken back or apologised for. Once somebody has broken your trust in that way, I’m not sure it can ever be repaired. I don’t think I would ever trust somebody again if they cheated on me, especially if they lied about it or didn’t tell me it happened.

I would probably be forever worried that it would happen again, I’d never be able to relax and enjoy life together, there would always be a shadow of doubt over the relationship.

So I think infidelity ends a relationship – but I’d love to hear from someone who has a different experience! Whether you agree or not, I’d really like to hear what you think about this very painful and difficult issue. Because I think it helps to talk about it! Pop a comment in the box and let’s chat.

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