The big debate: Sex before marriage

Let’s face it, sex is no longer personal. It’s sort of taken for granted that, while the bride may be wearing white, she’s not particularly nervous about her wedding night. But there are many people who strongly believe in abstaining from sex before marriage. In the 21st century, where society seems to have lost some of its allure and romance, I think it’s still a debate worth having. So two lovely ladies volunteered their perspectives on the matter. First up Charlotte Emily tells us why intimacy is important, next Jenna lets us know why she feels waiting is better.

Intimacy is important

“Oh I have a list as long as my legs as to why there is absolutely nothing wrong with sex before marriage, but Sara only gave me a few hundred words so I’ll try to keep it brief!

I don’t know about you but I would never buy a car without test driving it, it’s the same with men. Why should you commit yourself to somebody without knowing whether or not they’re going to be able to please you in the bedroom (and where ever else takes your fancy!) I don’t care what you say, sex and intimacy matter in a relationship, if you can’t get that bit of your relationship right eventually the rest will fall apart.

I also believe you have every right to discover what kind of sexual acts your other half is into before committing, no woman should have to wait until her wedding night to find out he’s only into extreme BDSM or worse he’s into you doing all the work whilst he just lies there!

Another reason is no matter how many people you may have slept with the first time you have sex with your new partner will always be awkward as you discover what you both like and dislike, you don’t want your wedding night to be an awkward experience you’d rather forget you want it to be a special night you’ll remember forever.

If you’re a virgin bride let me just say I’ve yet to hear a story of somebody’s first time having sex that went well, it’s painful awkward and I don’t know about the rest of you but something I still cringe over now, why would you want that to be how you remember your wedding night? I don’t care how much of a princess you look in your dress: it won’t be a fairytale first time!

There’s also the issue of getting married for the right reasons. I’ve heard anecdotal evidence of couples who, for religious reasons or otherwise, believed in abstaining from sex before marriage. This just resulted in them getting married too young and too fast largely out of curiosity about sex. The decision to make such a big commitment can be blurred when hormones are raging.

And finally spare a thought for those of us who aren’t ready to get married yet! We still have needs, and as long its two consenting adults and they’re safe there is absolutely nothing wrong with exploring sexual experiences!

Sex is a natural act, it isn’t sinful, it’s a wonderful part of human nature! One that we should all be allowed to experience guilt free married or not, I mean if we didn’t and we never got married would you really want a world full of old unsexed frustrated spinsters with a thousand cats?!”

Charlotte Emily is a vintage loving, music junkie, writer, poet and beautician. Find out more about her at

Image © I Am Nat

Patience is a virtue

“Not every sexual relationship outside of marriage ends with a break up, heartache, sexual dissatisfaction or deceit, but from time to time a relationship which was formed mainly around sex can fall tragically apart. It’s like when you stick paper together with glue, and then detach it, there will be damage left to both pieces. From my own experience, I have been in relationships where I thought to the only way to express and receive love was physically. I thought that’s what ‘connection’ was, but away from these moments I hardly knew my partner at all.

Culture tells us that to have a great sex life leads to a great relationship – I don’t believe this. For me, having sex is an expression of intimacy that you already have, not the means to it. What I have longed for is a personal, meaningful and life-long committed relationship with one I could be fully myself with. It’s the way we are designed.

Whether you have waited for your wedding night or not, that isn’t necessarily the point. In my opinion, sex is to be enjoyed to its fullest within the context of a life-long relationship, of which there is no greater sign both publically or personally expressed than in marriage.

In the Bible, Paul outlines God’s view that it is unhelpful for a man to touch (sexually) your partner outside of marriage. This advice isn’t from a God who is out of touch with the world and has a rulebook on what you can and cannot do. I believe it is from a loving God who doesn’t want to see you hurt or abandoned. There is a great verse which says ‘I have come to give you life, and life in all it’s fullness’. God wants you enjoy the very best sex of your life, to find the best friend you could ever have, to laugh and cry and commit to someone. In my experience, when my relationship with my husband is right, my sex life is the best it can be, I become the best version of myself I can be and I catch a glimpse of what God designed relationships to look like. I like to think of His advice like a loving Dad who only wants the very best for me and so sets out healthy boundaries for my life; not to deprive me of life or experience, but to guide me in the right direction.

My husband once got some advice on how best to treat me in our pre-marital relationship. They said: “Treat your girlfriend how you would want your future wife to be treated right now. Prepare your girlfriend for their future husband the way you would like some stranger to be treating your future wife”.  This gives me simple perspective knowing I wouldn’t want my husband sleeping around, ‘testing the waters’ and hoping to be satisfied by different partners before me. Whether it is a STD or a concern of being compared with their previous partners, abstaining can seem like a really healthy alternative.

To find someone who respected my desire not to have sex before marriage and support that idea was a special thing. This gave us the opportunity for our wedding day to not only be the start of a season of our relationship as husband and wife, but also to begin our sex life together (which obviously gives the wedding night a very special memory)! And as I mentioned before, we weren’t without our own disappointments and struggles with prior relationships, but on our wedding day we found a private significance that we had begun a new life together, in the same bed, in one home, committed to each other forever.”

Jenna has been married for a year and a half. She handmade absolutely everything herself – a DIY’aholic! Jenna is a freelance textile designer and developing her own wedding business ‘Flock & Stone’,

What do you think? Is sex worth the wait? Or is experience better? Please leave comments below – please note people have put themselves out there in talking so openly about a very personal issue. Please keep comments considerate and respectful – I reserve the right to remove comments.

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