Don’t Tell the Bride, Series 5, Episode 12: Victoria and Nick

Helloooo Don’t Tell the Bride groupies! Well it’s the end of an era in two respects. Those of you who just follow for the reviews might be a bit confused as to why the blog name’s changed! It’s a long story but for legal reasons we had a big, fabulous re-brand and the blog was reborn as “Under the Vintage Veil”. I hope you like the changes!

Anyway, it’s also the end of an era because this episode of Don’t Tell the Bride was the last in the series. Well, maybe not an era. OK, it’s the end of a series. Until the Christmas specials. Well, it won’t be on every week anymore. Until early next year. What’s that? Get on with the review? OK.

Nick and Victoria met down the pub. He thought she was a loud-mouth Scouser: “when she’s not talking, she’s nice” he says. Aaaw. Actually Nick and Victoria have quite a sweet story – early on in their relationship, Victoria became seriously ill with a life-threatening condition and her parents had a quiet word with him to give him an easy out if he wanted it. He didn’t, which is lovely and supported her through the illness. Because of her illness he supports both of them financially. So no matter what happens with this wedding, I think she’s got herself a good’un.

Ooh this bride wants a “vintage glamour” themed wedding! I heartily approve. I somehow doubt that’s what she’ll be getting though.

Off the bride goes to her parents and we get to meet the charming groomsmen, who, within five minutes of being on screen, have already started pulling each other’s pants down. Excellent. With some good old-fashioned schoolboy humiliation out of the way, the boys get planning – and vintage glamour goes out the window when Nick decides to have a “royal wedding” themed day. For some reason he then draws a giant penis when explaining how he wants to take her up the aisle. No pun intended. I’m confused and somewhat put off my dinner. They then sing a drunken and tuneless rendition of God Save the Queen that’s probably tantamount to treason. Off with their heads!

Victoria goes off to look at the venue she definitely won’t have. It’s a beautiful glass pavilion filled with rainforest-style flowers. Nick is at Heaton House Farm *Twitter waves* which is actually very awesome and would probably fit a vintage rustic theme really well. I’d love to style this wedding… if only Nick would drop that stupid theme! He’s thinking thrones. Yes, tacky David and Victoria-style thrones. Bad groom! BAD!

Cut away to Victoria and her dad having a heart to heart. She’s really excited to walk down the aisle unassisted. Pass the tissues – gotta love a sweet against the odds story.

Meanwhile, Nick is choosing his royal decorations. “We don’t have to make it too tacky” he says, sitting on a giant Union Jack sofa. He walks out with two thrones and a guardsman. That sounds like the beginning of a really rubbish joke…

Back at camp bride and Victoria is stressing about the lack of invites. Sister Helen (possibly the scariest woman alive) decides to give the boys a little kick up the backside. She phones the groomsmen to inform them that if they don’t get the situation sorted in a couple of days, they’ll see her bad attitude. I’d do it guys, she’s got her crazy eyes on! Actually, she’s laughing… so she’s not really a crazy dragon lady after all – just really good at doing the angry school teacher thing!

Well, we’re about to find out – it’s time for the bridesmaids dress shopping. Ah, the sister is NOT going to make this easy. Determined to win the title as the sister in law from hell, she pretty much moans throughout the whole experience. The dresses aren’t exactly stunning, but they’re not that bad! Poor Nick, and she doesn’t even know about his royal aspirations yet! “Go back into your cave” says the best man. The feminist in me really wants to disagree… but can’t… quite… do it…

Meanwhile, Victoria, who hates being left in the dark, is using the most reliable method of predicting what he might be up to. She’s off to visit a psychic. “I’ll start off with my Unicorn cards” says the psychic. There are no words. Anyway Victoria actually believes this crap enough to think she’s cheated and found out what’s happening at the wedding. Ha! She beat the system – see? Stupid BBC contract – the Unicorn cards know all and see all…

It’s time for dress shopping. Having drilled into her other half how badly she wants a plain dress, she now wants a princess dress. So she’s placing all her hopes on him not listening to her! That’s the definition of “can’t win”! Unfortunately for Victoria, Nick has been listening to her pleas for a simple dress and chooses  a nondescript a-line gown. And unfortunately for Nick, Victoria is now describing a plain dress as her “nightmare dress”. Well, it’s a bride’s prerogative to change her mind – just frustrating she can’t relay the message!

Annnnyway – Nick’s not doing too well. He has his groomsmen in beefeater costumes, he’s gone underwear shopping and told the whole of the UK that his beloved wears baggy thongs (classy) and Victoria’s convinced he’s forgotten her nail appointment so has booked her own.

But worst of all, there are still no invitations. Victoria is outraged: “But the psychic told me Monday or Tuesday!” Well, the Unicorn cards can only provide a rough estimate – did she give you a psychic tracking number? Har har har. On the basis of this, Victoria is threatening to do a no-show for her own wedding. This is what we call a proportionate response right?

Enraged, she sends her sister, Helen, on the warpath. Without missing a beat, Nick makes up some elaborate lie about the invitations being delivered to the wrong branch or some crap. Now THAT’S something to be aware of Victoria, your man is a very good (and quick) liar – and he keeps a straight face!! I’m lucky, J is a crap liar. He goes all red and squeaky when under pressure hahaha.

Anyway Helen buys the bullsh*** and seems to be appeased. Victoria, however, seems to know one of her other half’s lies when she hears them and is definitely NOT. At least she knows him well enough to tell when he’s fibbing – even if she hasn’t spoken to him directly! It’s quite astounding. Perhaps she does have psychic leanings after all.

OH MY GOD she’s right to be mad – he’s just stuck one of the invites up his groomsman’s bum! Literally! This is horrible – and so unfunny, you can spread diseases that way. I hope that isn’t Victoria’s invitation! Boys are stupid. There I said it.

But he did remember to book her in for a nail appointment – shame she already had them done!!! Ah ye of little faith. She gets a friend to text the best man informing them of this. Nick then says Victoria looks like a boy with a monobrow. All warm feelings I had for this guy at the beginning of the episode are now completely gone – his list of groom crimes are racking up fast. I mean, if J went on national TV, told everyone about my underwear and then made fun of my appearance, I’d be out of there quicker than you can say “divorce”.

Oh, this is pretty boring but Victoria likes her wedding dress after all.

On the morning of the wedding, Nick has booked hair and make up – but the bridesmaids aren’t booked in… well, it’s hardly a given… and he’s not organised cars either. And WOAH never mind the sister’s bad attitude (which isn’t helping as she keeps whining about her hair) Victoria kicks up the biggest stink you’ve ever seen. Her sister helpfully chimes in “the whole point of the day, for the bride, is to turn up in a nice car.” So… the marriage thing… totally not a priority then!

At the venue, the boys have actually done a great job – the venue is very very pretty and they’re getting married under the (fake) stars. He’s even booked a horse and carriage as a surprise – so all that fuss over the car for nothing eh?

She loves the farm – and as she’s walking down the aisle the look on his face makes me all weepy again. I can almost forgive the baggy g-string revelation. She’s also amused by the reception. It’s tacky, but she likes it.

Happy endings – it’s all BBC pantomime, but after what those two have been through it’s nice to see it all work out. Let’s all wish them a long and happy marriage!

That’s it for Don’t Tell the Bride until the Christmas specials. Boo! If you’ve missed any episodes you can find all my Don’t Tell the Bride reviews from this whole series right here!

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