Don’t Tell the Bride review – Christmas Revenge

So another season of Don’t Tell the Bride has ended – but it’s not over quite yet! Before I hang up my groom-poking pen, there’s one last review to be done, and this time the brides are getting their revenge.

The first thing I’d like to say is: Silly SILLY BBC for putting Don’t Tell the Bride on at the same time as Big Fat Gypsy Wedding over on Channel 4 (a review for that coming next). I nearly had a meltdown trying to decide between them. In the end the BBC lost out – not the same shock factor – and here I am reviewing on iPlayer a day late. Humph. For one last time (until the next series) ladies and gentlemen, it can only be Don’t Tell the Bride!

First up, remember Kayleigh and Steven? Or more specifically do you remember *puts on most nasal whiney voice* “why are we at Thorpe Park on my wedding day?” A couple of reminders: she was the one who had the vajazzle and the potty mouth… anyway we get a recap with some unseen footage (they cut out the bit where she uses “rape” as a swear word.

In the VT, Kayleigh justifies not going on the ride Steven had planned for her at Thorpe Park (to remind her of their first date) by saying the dress could have got caught in the rollercoaster and she could have died. Yes, a likely outcome.

They replay the ceremony (the bit after all the effing and blinding) – I notice for the first time that when they’re saying their vows, Kayleigh puts on a really weird accent that she doesn’t have in any other scenes. Confused…

You all remember what happens next – they go back to Thorpe Park, she swears some more, sobs that the day is ruined and then her heel breaks – “I just want to go home”. Not good.

Her revenge is – she’s got him a Pajazzle. Is that what I think it is??? Oh dear it is – is there waxing involved in this? Ouch it looks ridiculously painful! She tells him it’s cute. Just what every man wants to hear about his bits!

Next under the microscope, it’s Harry and Mellissa. Harry was the fisherman guy who made his poor fish and boat-fearing bride get on a fishing boat on her wedding day. Nice. He was the one who honked her boobs as she left. Sigh.

In the VT Harry says one of the worst decisions he made was not letting everyone know about the wedding… that was a decision? Surely you could at least pretend it was an oversight, Harry?

They replay the scene where Harry gets out the Haribo rings. Remember he ran out of money for actual wedding rings?? I die inside a little. Again. Mellissa is an optimist though. Despite the lack of rings, she hopes Haribo will send them some free sweets… yeah, in return for all the, erm, great publicity?

This wasn’t the most interesting episode in the world – it was one selfish groom who mainly thought of himself and tried to redeem his bad behaviour with one gesture aimed at pleasing her… a church blessing… but she was a great sport. Apparently since the show she’s been known as “the randy fishwife”. Grim.

On to the Christmas present. I hope it’s a big box of poo. Oh she’s sending him to fitness class. How boring. He gets into Lycra. Far be it from me to judge a man by the size of his manhood but… where is it? Not that I’m looking of course…

Next it’s on to Fern and Ryan. They were last series so no review to link to but as I recall there was some serious man love going on with the best man. They were the ones that tried on wedding dresses together and acted like they were planning their own wedding… went to Prague and got tattoos on their bums…

They replay the excruciatingly awkward moment where Fern sees the women bringing her the wedding dress Ryan had chosen and weeps because she “doesn’t know them”. The dress shop people stand around awkwardly not knowing whether to be offended or not. As it turns out she likes the dress. Just not the people who delivered it.

Anyway blah blah the wedding was fine, he took her to the reception by helicopter. The best man didn’t get to come with and had a strop. They had a Hollywood-themed reception and it was mediocre. The end.

For his Christmas present, she gets him a blonde wig and ladies clothes… something about the best man pretending to be her… Probably a reference to him trying on all the wedding dresses, I’ve sort of lost interest!

Oh awesome! Now it’s time for the scifi wedding special! Lauren and Charles had that crazy space age wedding, remember? He was the one that conflated Star Wars quotes with a Star Trek theme and upset all the men out there being forced to watch…

Haha I forgot he put his vintage-loving fiancee in an “intergalactic princess dress” – brilliant. On the VT, Charles says “I thought all girls had… things that go on their head.” He also justifies having the wedding in a crowded museum in half term by likening it to the royal wedding. If the royal wedding had a robot serving drinks…

Speaking of robots Charles said if he’d had his way, he would have had twenty robots… erm, what about your scifi-themed wedding wasn’t “having your own way”, Charles?

For Charles’s revenge present she got him a “No Scifi” sign. That’s not a present… that’s just stupid. I feel robbed.

Oh NO! Next up it’s John and Jackie . If you’ll recall, this was the bride that got thrown out of a plane to her ceremony, and then sent to the miner’s club for a crappy, Christmas-themed reception (in May) complete with gaudy decorations and toilet seat covers with pictures of cats on them.

I don’t want to watch this again, my eyes hurt.

“I can read body language pretty good” says John, upon noting that his bride wasn’t thrilled with the miner’s… once she was inside however, she was so excited by the tacky baubles, Christmas tree and… nose-shaped cake that she forgot she was mad at him. Like I said at the time – there really IS someone for everyone.

John’s Christmas gift… some nice new clothes. Well that’s not exactly a punishment is it? I don’t think any of the brides are quite getting this ironic gift thing. Just give everyone a Pajazzle and have done with it.

Finally remember Alex and Kara? She loved vintage and wanted a Candy Anthony dress. He loved playing around, trashed her house and had a playground-themed wedding. She was the one who hated the shoes he bought and then got herself an almost identical pair…

She’s obviously not even nearly over the shoe trauma. In the VT she demands to know why he bought her heels at a weird height. He insists they were they ONLY ones in the shop… hmmmmmmm….

The fairground wedding actually ended up being pretty cool! For brides looking to emulate that, by the way, may I suggest The Original Fete Company? But I digress – for his present Kara gets Alex…

Ladies clothes and the shoes she had to wear.

This is seriously stupid. Sorry Don’t Tell the Bride, I do love you, but you’re not being very inventive (I presume the brides didn’t come up with these lame-o presents alone…)

So that’s it for this… oh wait no it isn’t! There’s a proper Christmas special next week! Alright then, see you at 9pm, Tuesday 20th December on BBC3 for the next episode!

(Apparently this is the series that never ends…)

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