Don’t Tell the Bride, Series 5, Episode 11: Anna and Sian

Sorry for the lateness of this review – can I plead mitigating circumstances with the whole blog re-name kerfuffle? (That’s right. Kerfuffle.)

Anyway last week’s Don’t Tell the Bride was a particularly awesome episode because five series in, the BBC has finally cottoned on to the fact that not all couples are straight (and that not all women are expert wedding planners) and featured a lesbian civil partnership.

The episode starts wit Don’t Tell the Bride’s trademark bizarre montage of “happy in love” clips… in a playground. That’s exactly what John and I do when we’re feeling loved up, you know, we go to the playground and push each other on the swings and laugh inanely at nothing. A very realistic portrayal of a young couple in love. Yup.

So anyway – don’t think that just because there are no boys involved that the usual Don’t Tell the Bride Rules go out the window! Sian is a self-confessed girlie girl. She even proves it by applying lipgloss in the VT while explaining that she’s a girlie girl. Anna is a tomboy and hates shopping, dresses… you know, all the things involved in planning a wedding. Sian wants a traditional wedding. Anna wants to do something different. In a warehouse…

The best woman, Jade, arrives. I instantly have a little girl crush. She takes Anna to a burlesque club to convince her to take on that theme. After watching the show, they both (thankfully) realise that no bride, gay or straight, wants half-naked ladies gyrating around on her wedding day and put the whole evening down to experience.

So Anna continues with her warehouse theme. My friend Annie would call this “dusty chic” (she should trademark that as she totally invented it) so without knowing it, Anna is following an awesome new trend. However, she starts off with a more mainstream registry office. Actually, the inside is very… erm… judicial… is that a word? It fits the “dusty chic” theme quite nicely actually!

Shame Sian’s dreaming of a really girlie, grand venue then… oh dear! While Sian is gushing over a huge manor house, Anna is looking at a derelict warehouse with broken windows and… was that a rat? Just kidding. I’d like to take a moment to congratulate the BBC, by the way, on the excellent editing directly comparing Sian’s choice with Anna’s. “What’s the worst that could happen?” Asks Sian… hmm…

The next venue Anna goes to see is definitely “dusty chic” – except it looks more urban cafe than the elegant wedding of Sian’s dream. But they then go to a car boot sale. This makes me very happy. I stand up and start clapping. My cat runs out the room – I realise I may have taken my car boot enthusiasm too far.

However, Anna doesn’t know how to car boot properly (it’s now a verb) and buys some random things that aren’t really going to make any kind of an impact. Jade finds this very funny. Yeah, it’s sort of funny.

It’s Anna’s birthday and Sian sends her presents and a sweet card. There’s a VT of Sian writing the card while Anna reads it. It’s sweet.

Anyway, it’s time to dress shop. Jade buys a creepy mannequin and sticks a picture of Sian’s face on it. It’s actually very funny. Did I mention I have a total girl crush on Jade? Sadly the model doesn’t quite measure up and poor Jade finds herself an unwitting model. Being a total dress-o-phobe, I think that’s definitely dedication to the cause.

Meanwhile, Sian’s fallen in love with a Grecian monstrosity that somebody appears to have attacked with a pair of scissors. Anna goes to another bridal shop and finds a much more beautiful Grecian gown that I fall in love with. I think it’s the first time I’ve ever pleaded with my TV. But, of course, she doesn’t choose the amazing dress, she chooses a really ordinary A-line dress, with forgiving lace detail, but still.

With the wrong dress chosen, it’s time for Sian’s hen party. Rollerskating. Really. Ahhh so that’s why she made them all wear rollers. I just got it. Very droll. Sian settles in for a romantic portion of chips. Bless.

There’s the an inexplicably bizarre scene where Anna goes shoe shopping in what looks like a pound shop… and then… bites the shoes… no, she really does! She can’t undo the buckle so she just gnaws on it in the middle of the shoe shop! I know it’s not the most high end of places, but really, have some decorum!

The day before the wedding Sian goes to see her dress. This is actually quite uncomfortable. Sian hates the dress (not exactly news for this show) and refuses to wear it. But Anna’s reaction is a little bit heartbreaking. She genuinely tried her hardest and was devastated that she got it wrong. I look over at John and he’s welling up a little. I wasn’t meant to tell you that. Whoops. I’m also not impressed that Sian chose a much less flattering dress in the end. Shame.

It’s all alright on the night! It’s the morning of the wedding and… who the f*** is that? Oh it’s Sian in glasses… she looks weirdly different. Anyway, Anna does well from the start with hair, make up, a photographer, vintage cars and the right bridesmaids dresses. Both Jade and Anna look very dapper in their suits. John says he wants a suit like that for our wedding.

Oh boy, the ceremony is a tearjerker – everyone is crying (including John… seriously I’m pushing my luck here lol) and the reception is even better. Sian loves everything and Anna’s even added in some girlie touches! It’s all very emotional – someone pass me a tissue!

And even more emotional is the fact that tomorrow’s episode is the last in the series! Noooooo! It better be good then. Join me at 9pm on BBC3 as always for some more Don’t Tell the Bride madness!

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