I’m going to be really honest. I toyed with not writing this one. Partly because I’m aware that the bride is local and she may easily be able to find and kill me… and I’m far too lazy to move house. Also because it was painful enough to watch this the first time, and watching it again to recap would be like pulling teeth.
But, I can’t let down my DTTB groupies (yes, they exist… no, not in my head, on Twitter. Which is only partly in my head) so I decided to battle on and watch it again. Gulp – wish me luck! Without further ado, it’s Don’t Tell the Bride.
Steven is an ex-footballer. Kayleigh is a wannabe WAG. The words “wannabe WAG” in themselves give me a good clue as to how this episode is going to go. The couple met at Thorpe Park. I see where this is going. Partly because all the previews showed her in a wedding dress shouting “why am I at Thorpe Park on my wedding day?” But also because I’m very perceptive.
We hear their proposal story. He proposed on the couch. She thought it was pants. Now, I’m going to stick up for him here. If you need your proposal to be all bells and whistles and no heart, then quite frankly you shouldn’t be getting engaged. If the man you love proposing to you in the home you built together isn’t good enough, then there may be something a bit wrong with your relationship. There, I said it.
While Steven writes a stately home off as a “boring and normal” venue, Kayleigh is running around a stately home shouting “shut up” repeatedly, until half of Twitter is BEGGING her to take her own advice. Seriously. Ah well, I’m sure she’ll “shut up” when she sees her ACTUAL wedding venue… Thorpe Park. Not only does the lucky girl get to have her reception with hundreds of screaming kids she doesn’t know running around (who doesn’t dream of hot dogs on their wedding day?) but she gets to go on the ride she refused to go on back on their first date. Before the wedding. Can’t wait to see the mascara and puke-stained wedding dress.
Oh, watching this the second time I’ve just noticed that Steven doesn’t have a theme – he tells the planner his theme is “you know… just… fun.” I can’t believe I missed that the first time. He goes to a prop hire company to find a theme. He comes out with two gaudy thrones. Tumbleweed.
Kayleigh goes dress shopping. She says “shut up” a lot. I’m going to bypass this because nothing interesting happens. He picks an OK dress. She doesn’t hate it. The end.
Now for the hen party. Romantic Steve has bought Kayleigh a special present – his best friend to strip for them and a vajazzle (did I spell that right? It’s not in the dictionary) for his blushing bride. At this point in the ep I have to tweet out and ask what a vajazzle is. My fiance explains it to me gently. My ears are sad. But she seems to be happy: “A vajazzle, what a ledge”, the bride exclaims! OH NO, we actually have to SEE her getting her vajazzle on! And all her friends stand around on watch! Then they all run in and squeal over her vajazzle. *Weeps*
The stag party is equally classy. He’s dressed up as a chicken and is getting a lap dance from some sort of cabaret dancer. Oh deary me, he appears to be wearing some sort of cow-shaped willy pouch… and now the lap dancer is touching him inapproporiately. I’ll prepare the divorce papers.
The next day Steve is hungover and just when he needs it the most, the mother in law from hell pays him a visit to effectively threaten him… mafia style. “You are aware of the consequences if you let Kayleigh down?” She growls. It’s too late, lady, and keep your beak out. Nobody likes a meddler. The mother in law put the fear of God into him, so he confides in his best man, who responds: “bish, bash, bosh, married. Back to Thorpe Park. Sorted.”
Glad it’s all under control then.
The boys decide to check the budget. They’ve gone over it. Apparently Steve doesn’t think about what things cost… er, budget allocation anyone? OK here’s a hint sweetiepie (and I’m no economist): if someone gives you twelve thousand shiny things that you can exchange for other things, you have to divide those up carefully so you don’t run out of shiny things too soon. Because without more shiny things, you can’t get any more wedding things… see? Duhhhhh…
Ha! He’s run out of money for food and drink! Oh well, there’s always hot dogs and lemonade at Thorpe Park… oh, it’s OK, his disgruntled mother has bailed him out.
Finally the big day arrives. First the bridesmaids rock up in black and then… is that a hearse? Oh dear, looks like she’s on her way to a funeral… well, I suppose metaphorically she sort of is… the funeral of her relationship. Or it will be.
They blindfold her (and at this point I think it would be best for the bride if she kept the blindfold on for the rest of the wedding) and take her to Thorpe Park. She’s mad. Very mad. She refuses to get on the ride and starts swearing a lot.
*SERIOUS MOMENT – if you’re not on the mood to be lectured, look away. I am absolutely, beyond words, disgusted that she used “rape” as a swear word. Her language is foul in general, but I don’t usually have a problem with that. Even the C word I’m not shocked by. But there’s something really jarring and unpleasant about the use of the word “rape” in that context that made me lose all sympathy for her. As far as I’m concerned, let her wedding day suck. Whatever.
Anyway, she leaves in tears and goes to get her hair done. After effing and blinding at the poor unsuspecting hairdressers (charming) she seems a lot happier. She has a nice wedding ceremony at a normal venue – and has forgotten all about Thorpe Park! Hooray!
Except, they’re going right back to Thorpe Park. Seriously. Really. Oh and now the shit is hitting the fan.
Kayleigh throws the MOTHER of all tantrums (sort of understandably, but still…) then her HEEL breaks! Then she cries and says the words every bride dreams of uttering on her wedding day: “I just want to go home.”
I’m not even laughing anymore… (not that much, anyway).
I’ve actually never seen someone’s mood alter so drastically so many times in one day, a rollercoaster is an apt analogy for this one… upon seeing the naf reception decorations (or having possibly been given a good talking to by the producers who desperately need a happy ending) she goes hyperactive and excited again.
ANYWAY, I’m finally at the end of this review, which I started about ten years ago. At least that’s what it feels like. Anyway, I SERIOUSLY hope the bride’s detective skills are rubbish because if she finds me, I’m in for a hiding!
Join me next week. Because it can’t get much worse.