Don’t Tell the Bride – Series 5 – Episode 5: Harry and Mellissa

This whole episode can be summarised, as a fab Twitter friend pointed out, by the fact that the groom squeezed his bride’s boobs and made a honking noise when saying goodbye to her. Really. Ladies and gentlemen, it can only be Don’t Tell the Bride. (Oh dear, I can tell I’m soliciting more hate mail with this one…)

Fisherman Harry appears to have two big loves (judging by the amount of time he spends talking about each topic): sex… and fish. Historically that’s a combination that hasn’t worked out for most people… but each to their own.

At this point I’d like to set the tone by adding that Harry only just got Mellissa an engagement ring. He originally proposed with a Haribo ring. Yes, the gummy sweet. This becomes important later.

In true Don’t Tell the Bride style (with the exception, of course, of last week) whatever the bride hates, the groom plans. Whatever the bride wants, the groom ignores – in the grand tradition of men who JUST DON’T LISTEN!

Mellissa is terrified of boats. And hates fish. So what does Harry plan? A seaside wedding – complete with a fishing boat for transport. Good call.

To his credit, Harry does try to get a church wedding like Mellissa wants and only fails because it’s too short notice. He does, however, unforgivably go for a pub rather than… you know… a wedding venue. Even the groom’s mum is unimpressed as she’s pretty sure Mellissa will hate everything about the wedding. The groom charmingly quips: “Oh tough crap, it’s my wedding as well and I like the water, so we’re having it there, alright?” Lovely.

Halfway through the episode, Mellissa hears that Harry has been “out on the town” with other girls. At this point, I turn, snarling and shaking my fist at poor H2B sitting next to me. Yes, he is somehow responsible for the sins of all mankind. By virtue of sharing their anatomy.

You might have noticed at this point that I haven’t mentioned the best man. If I’m honest, it’s cause by the end of the episode, I’ve sort of forgotten he was in it.

On to choosing the dress – the manager of the shop is just awesome – she’s prepared with cold beers for the boys – and later on placates the initially disappointed bride. She’s officially my hero. Harry wants a dress that emphasises Mellissa’s “boobs and bum”. Amazingly, thinking along those lines leads him in the right direction. For about a minute. Until he changes his mind and gets a strapless a-line dress. With pockets. Right.

The hen party and stag do. I get bored and research wasps on the Internet.

Finally Harry gets round to the invitations. I die inside when he doesn’t get enough, handwrites them with a biro and cuts the remaining invites in half in order to get the most out of what he’s bought.

Harry runs out of money for decorations… so puts fishing equipment all round the pub venue. Fancy. Harry runs out of money for food. So he tries to catch it himself and goes fishing. What’s WRONG with men??

Best of all, Harry runs out of money for rings. So he revives the Haribo ring chic (OK, who am I kidding?) for the actual wedding rings. Yes, he actually pulls out Haribo rings. During the ceremony. Their wedding ceremony. *Breaks down*

Anyway, long story short, she ends up liking everything, even the fishing boats and pockets dress. Or the BBC told her to pretend to like it (I’m increasingly convinced this is a conspiracy). I like one thing about the wedding: the yellow wellies. That’s it.

Join me tonight (11th October 2011) at 9pm on BBC3 for the next installment of Don’t Tell the Bride awesomeness.


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