I don’t really know how to start with this one… Kara is 25 and has a kid. Alex is 22 and IS a kid. She’s the straight woman to his funny man. She manages his finances (seriously, she gives him money rations) and he… well, he hangs out at the skate park. Yeah. It can only be Don’t Tell the Bride!
Kara doesn’t want to leave Alex alone in her house. That says it all really.
She’s right. The minute she’s gone he invites his little friends over and they spray beer in each other’s faces. And on her carpet a bit. Classy. He then scribbles all over her windows. No, I’m not joking. Really! I’m not! Watch it! There. Told you so.
Anyway, unlike most brides on this show who want to get married in a castle and then fly away in a magical carriage la la la, Kara wants to get married in a cave… with a nice skull centrepiece.
I start to feel sorry for the groom. Not because her cave idea isn’t AWESOME (it so is) but because he has no way of EVER guessing what she could possibly be thinking. Not in a million years. Usually on this show it’s the bride wanting something traditional and the groom doing something nuts… but Alex actually rocks up at (and books) a really nice… normal… venue.
Alex is planning a summer fete. I actually think that’s really cool.
Then there’s some really random sob story about how her mum had a surprise wedding and hated her dress. Violins are actually playing. I’m confused. Kara says “that whole dress ruined your life… ruined your day.” Good to see they have things in perspective over in the bride’s camp.
So then Alex goes wedding dress shopping. He looks at traditional dresses… erm, in someone’s house apparently. I start shouting at the TV that he needs to go to Candy Anthony. I even tweet it. So yeah, evidence.
KARA GOES TO CANDY ANTHONY! I KNEW IT! I SAID SHE SHOULD GO THERE! AND SHE DID! I SAID! OK, I’ve calmed down now. She chooses something awesome. Because it’s impossible not to in Candy Anthony. I cheer. Then I remember where Alex is… Then her mum goes off on some unprovoked lecture about how Kara dresses the way she does because she’s insecure… claws away, mum!!
Ha! I just noticed while I was watching this back on iPlayer that Alex takes his glasses OFF in order to see the dresses better… someone doesn’t really need glasses…
Moving on, Alex gets her the most traditional thing he can find. As is the rule for this show.
Then, after getting the world’s most traditional wedding dress, he sends her on her hen do… to a tattoo parlour… by herself… to get their wedding date tattooed on. So let me get this straight – he’s BRANDING her?? The angry feminist in me starts yelling at the TV. Then the sadist in me remembers she’s going to have that on her forever. Muahahahaha.
For HIS stag party, Alex trashes Kara’s house. No, he really trashes it. I can’t actually watch.
Hungover the next day (SERVES HIM RIGHT) Alex has to go bridesmaids dress shopping. Alex endears himself to the bridesmaids “I don’t know, they’re a bit tight. I can see your bellies. Well, maybe you can lose some weight or summit.”
With the world’s ugliest bridesmaids dresses purchased, Alex has pretty much run out of money. He gets some shiny red shoes for his bride which would go really well with the dress she isn’t getting. You know, the really awesome one from Candy Anthony? Yeah she won’t be getting that.
Oh yeah, I forgot, somewhere in between, we see a cute sequence of Alex hanging out with Kara’s exceptionally cute son. And then he cries about how much he loves them both and I start to warm to him because he seems like less of a douchebag.
Anyway, Kara inexplicably likes the boring dress, but hates the awesome (albeit budget) red shoes. Don’t worry Kara, with your long, long dress, nobody will see your shoes… she makes him get new shoes. They’re exactly the same but have a bow on them. I mean, I like fashion and all, but they’re both red, patent shoes. What’s the difference??
Long story short, Kara actually turns out to be the world’s prettiest bride and manages to make the traditional dress look retro and cool with some well-chosen accessories, hair and make up. Seriously, so pretty! And she arrives in an ice cream van!! AMEZZIN!!!
The wedding is actually (not sarcasm) so moving I cry a bit. I know couples are SUPPOSED to be in love and all, but this is gorgeous. I look at J and he “has something in his eye”. A likely tale.
I know that some were upset with the choice of popcorn and hay on the tables, but I think Alex pulled the whole thing together amazingly, from the tables to the funfair. She loves it – and I love it. And they’re very sweet together.
A groom totally redeemed! Hurrah!
Join me next week for Don’t Tell the Bride which looks like a massive disaster. Tuesday at 9pm on BBC3 BAM!