Don’t Tell the Bride Review – Series 5, Episode 6: Luke and Alex

Let me just start this week’s Don’t Tell the Bride review by saying: “oh dear”.  It took me a whole week to write this – mainly because I didn’t want to put myself through watching this very stressful episode again. Remember the Vegas fiasco? It’s kind of like that. But in Ibiza, not Vegas. Hasn’t this guy watched the show before?

I’ll just say that poor 22-year-old Luke just wasn’t equipped to plan a wedding, let alone without supervision. There should be a minimum age for this show – you know, like kids aren’t supposed to use scissors, little boys shouldn’t be allowed to plan weddings.

Luke decides he wants to get married in Ibiza. Nothing wrong with that at all… (just ask Kelly from Boho Events, I’ve heard she plans some incredible Ibiza weddings) but as they can’t legally marry in Ibiza, it’s pretty hard to keep the bride in the dark. Luke decides to marry his lucky *cough*sarcasm*cough* lady in a registry office. On a Thursday. Without their families there. Yeah, good luck, Luke. He just wants to “get the legal bit out of the way.” How romantic.

As Luke is cutting the guest list to thirty, Alex is telling her friends how much she wants a big wedding. Twitter is buzzing with outrage as he blows half his budget on thirty flights to Ibiza. D’oh.

Luke (Tweedle-dumb) and best man (who shall henceforth be known as Tweedle-Dumber. Because I can’t remember his name) rock up in Ibiza – with nowhere to stay. So they decided to drink their troubles away and go clubbing. Then they get mad at each other for some reason I can’t understand because they apparently communicate in slurred, Neanderthal grunts. All I can understand is that Luke “wants to find a place to live” and that Tweedle-Dumber wants to go clubbing. I half expect Luke to burst into a chorus of “there’s a place for us”. During this argument I start to think this best man might be a bit of a jerk. Best man storms off. Luke looks like a kicked puppy. I’m mildly entertained.

Back in London, Alex has a “strange feeling” that Luke is on top of things… yeah, it’s a “strange” feeling because you’re wrong. The only thing he’s on top of is a big crater of failure… about to fall in… that works!

Luke runs out of money. Pretty much can’t afford a wedding. He wants to pull out of the whole thing. Eek! They go swimming and then go drinking again. Because that worked out so well last time. In the morning he cries a lot and goes on about how he isn’t ready. The first sensible thing he’s said all episode. Still, there’s nothing entertaining about this, it’s just sad. Anyway, it all works out because an old friend of his saves his bacon by lending him a restaurant. You got lucky, punk!

Back in England, Luke goes to choose a dress. To be fair, Alex is the fussiest bride ever. Seriously, she doesn’t like anything! Somehow Luke manages to choose the one she hates the most. Predictable. To be fair, the dress is horrible – decided by a Twitter jury of industry experts.  Naturally she refuses to wear it. Her mum contributes £600 to get her a marginally less shit dress. I can’t really muster a cheer.

Then comes the most horrifically awkward moment in television history. She shows up at the registry office – and her family isn’t there… she looks so pissed off she actually doesn’t kiss him properly. Just what you want for your ceremony – to be able to cut the atmosphere with a knife. It’s pretty much as uncomfortable as when Ross said Rachel when he married Emily. Come on, you all know what I’m talking about! Then he just… disappears. And, with the groom having sworn everyone to secrecy so they can’t explain the whole sorry mess to her, she heads to the pub quicker than you can say “divorce”. She doesn’t look happy. Not one bit. The best man plays an instrumental part in ushering him out. At this point I have to wonder if he’s actively trying to break them up.

Finally she heads to the airport. But gets stuck in traffic and almost misses the plane. You can’t make this stuff up folks (unless you’re the BBC). *Disclaimer: that was a joke, please don’t sue me!

Anyway, she gets there. She likes the wedding. She’s also mysteriously grown a load of hair. Is it a wig? A weave? Clip ons? #distracted. She’s happy, he’s happy. We’re all happy. Because that’s what the producers want. *Another joke – seriously, don’t sue me, I have no money anyway…

I’ve just been reliably informed that Don’t Tell the Bride isn’t on tonight. That makes me sad. My life suddenly feels empty and meaningless. *Violins*

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